Late night talks

I usually feel closes to God when I lay down at night before I drift off to sleep.

Sometimes it feels like he is whispering his thoughts into mine. His thoughts are always pure and so perfect, completely unlike mine. They don't contain vindictiveness or jealousy, anger or pettiness, pride or cynicism His thoughts are love.

He and I are so different. As I grow older, I see myself more and more for what I've really become.

I am one of the most judgmental people I know. I am cynical and always willing to pick out the faults of others. I despise to see anybody get away with anything. I am a perfectionist and a narcissist. (I even had to google to make sure I was spelling narcissist correctly).

I am spiteful. I am unforgiving. I am a gossiper and a liar. I'm a thief. Not in a way that I could be put in jail, but in a way that is more 'big picture' than that. I take from others but do not easily give. I accept the charity of institutions but am greedy and stingy with my own resources. I find it hard to sincerely thank people for what they do for me but I adore to be praised myself.

I'm inflexible and rude. I have impure thoughts. I am selfish.

I can't think of a single one of the 10 commandments that I have not broken in the last year. While I haven't physically committed adultery, I have lusted in my mind. Substance over form, pretty much.

I cast people off as worthless, useless, and unworthy of my time or prayers. I linger on thoughts of retribution towards those who I perceive have wronged me in some way.

I am lazy. I waste time on fruitless endeavors and become irritated when asked to do something that takes me out of my comfort zone.

How could God ever use anybody like me?

Well..

He told me that the same God that created the trees and the sky, butterflies and lightning bugs, planets, stars, chocolate, sex and cool breezes actually loves you and I on a personal basis.

He's told me that He breathed his spirit into human form in a man named Jesus Christ and that He knows what it is like to hurt and long and want and be mocked and disliked, to be without and to hunger.

He showed me that he loves us so much that he would allow himself to be tortured and nailed alive to a tree so that we might live.

He is the only God that is willing to meet us exactly where we are. We don't have to be afraid to call on him. In the Bible, all kinds of people called on him. They saw he could do great things and they wanted his help. He never said "Leave me alone! I don't have time for you!" Or "we don't allow your kind inside"

He knew me before I was ever born. And he loved me before I'd ever heard his name. He gave me life, after all.

In the Bible, he chose prostitutes, thieves, simple men, even murderers to share his good news with. He chose these people to take his message to others and it spread across the world.

What I've done with his message up until now is a crying shame. I've turned it into a way to accuse, to damn, to point fingers at other people. I've used it to bolster my own self-righteousness.

God has spoken to me and told me that it is not my place to point out to others what is wrong with their lives. My job is to tell you that he loves you. He is waiting to listen to you. And if you're willing to honestly give him a chance, he's waiting to completely change your life.

If you want peace and a REAL purpose, just talk to him. Spend a few hours and read the first 4 books of the New Testament. Really look at what Jesus says and trust in God to reveal what He means. Try to live by his principles for a month. Give it a serious effort.

I'll pray for you. For anything. Just let me know.

I love you brothers and sisters.