Tuesday, January 31, 2006

bottom of the funnel




my hands leave a bad impression
that words cannot change
my nuckles are dry riverbeds
but they still make a good sandwich
sometimes i'm too tired to want to play
and i regret it in the morning
my best melody
is background noise
like the popping in my knees
when i try to be still
i shake
and vice versa
i have neither friends nor enemies
in the end

Thursday, January 26, 2006

no go on the mojo



Dreamcatchers aren't allowed in my house. I love to dream. I sometimes think I'd rather live in my dream universe than in the 'real' one.

My dreams are very vivid. I've heard in the past that people rarely dream in color. I dream in color, do you?

What are dreams? I think they are a peek into an alternate universe. I can't explain it, but I don't believe the images that float before me in my sleep are any less real than the ones I see when I'm awake.

I often dream about cities. In my dreams the cities are large, complex, and dark. The roads are more like rollercoasters than highways. Pollution abounds and machines outnumber nature.

Last night I dreamed Steve and I traveled to an alternate Las Vegas. I have these dreams often and I'm usually accompanied in them by my wife or a friend. We are always travelling to new cities to explore.

In my dreams, we always travel by plane and the airports are always futuristic. The planes seat about 5000 and every floor is a moving sidewalk. Every wall is made of glass.

There are always restaurants with double doors with round windows in them. They swing open to cheap buffets with tasteless food and nursing home muzac pumps through the walls.

The last place you ever want to go in my dreams is into a bathroom. The walls, floors and toilet seats are always covered with piss and the toilets are overflowing and broken. There are no walls or privacy and the bathrooms are always crowded with men who try just a little too much to look straight. The smell is always suffocating. If you try to leave the bathroom, you end up walking into another one even worse. Instead of piss on the walls, it's feces everywhere. The only TRUE way out of this dream is to wake up.

When I fall asleep again, I'm back on the city streets. The buildings are incredibly large, the lights make Vegas look dull, and there are monstrous people everywhere.

You can never stay long in these cities. Before you can get your bearings, it's always time to get back on the plane to fly somewhere else.

Friday, January 13, 2006

mommy dearest

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Eleven days



There is something significant about the number eleven.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Nathaniel Daniel Ester Seamen Jordan Mitchell




The last time I saw my Grandma was in a hospital in Henderson, North Carolina this past February.

She was ninety going on a million.

Most people who didn't know her called her Natalie or Mrs. Mitchell. The rest of us called her Grandma Mitch.

The doctors said she had a stroke. She couldn't open her eyes or talk. Her coughs were so violent they would rock the room. That was the pneumonia setting in.

It was cold and rainy outside, but it was warm and cozy inside. Seems like it always felt that way when grandma was in the room, even at the end.

My family and I had visited with her for hours. We talked to her, sang hymns, and prayed.

I waited for the time when I could visit with her alone. I wanted to say goodbye and I didn't want anybody else to hear but her and God.

The time came and I took my place on the edge of her bed. As I sat there, I stroked her soft white hair and her deeply wrinkled face. I held her hand with my other hand. Like I said, she couldn't talk or speak, but she'd let you know it if you let go of her hand. We took turns holding her hand until the end.

I had known her for 34 years. When I was younger, my family would travel 12 or more hours to visit with her several times a year. We'd usually stay a week when we visited. During our stay, I'd learn how to wrest eggs from mother hens, the best way to cheat at cards, how to shuck corn, all kinds of information about old folks I never knew, and all kinds of old sayins I wish I had wrote down. Most of all, I would discover the sweetest love a boy could know.

Each time we'd part, Grandma would pack me a bag full of mississippi mud brownies and give me a handful of quarters to buy Pepsi's on the way home. But the main thing that kept coming back to me on that day in the hospital was the way she'd cry. Grandma would always cry when she said goodbye to me. She'd wrap those big strong arms around me and pull me close to her. I would ignore the smell of lard and the old lady whiskers that scratched against my cheek (man, what I wouldn't do for them now) and just completely melt into her. Her tears would drip on my face as she'd quitely whimper and tell me she loved me. She'd always remind me to come back and see her real soon and don't wait so long.

The day I said goodbye to her in the hospital, I was the one doing the crying.

I can still remember my last words to her:

"I love you Grandma. You were always my favorite grandparent and I always knew how much you loved me. Cause you never gave me any reason to think anything else. I'll see you again real soon Grandma. I won't wait too long"

Most of the time, words don't come that easy to me. But most people aren't Grandma, either.

The day my grandma died, CNN didn't interrupt their programming for 'Breaking News'. There was not even a mention of her on the nightly news. Most of the world didn't notice. If you do a search on the internet, you probably won't find a match. But I promise you, she was the biggest and best that ever was.

Friday, January 06, 2006

the 6th day





little joey alabama died before she ever breathed
i had to be the fingers that tried to hold the sand
this happens every day but not to me
what do you say when you don't know how you feel?
i said i'm sorry. they said 'try again'.
it's too late forever
is she in heaven or never
got to be heaven if there ever

was it something i did or thought or didn't say
was it because i was afraid
was it something i smoked or drank
was it meant to be
or did i make it be?
is this punishment or grace in disguise?
only God can answer and he's not talking.
at least not to me.
as long as he's talking to you

my grandma passed before you
i hope she is there with you
braiding your hair
and telling you good stories about me
i can't wait to see you baby
and hold you in new arms
and cry and laugh
until then
know that daddy loves you
and will come and play
with you today
cause today will never end.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

5 days



They locked me in the closet
pushed my face into the carpet
removed pieces of my engine
i still try to smile
Laughter in the hallway
Silence in the kitchen
broken glass and momma's lost it
i broke it but i can't fix it
it's lonely but it's mine
and the spidercrickets jumping
they don't scare me like
the people
they remember better than I do
what I feel
i never told them
i can't look at them
but they think i am
i point my eyes their way
think like them
be like them
or at least pretend
for god's sake
she said she loved me
then she left me
again and again and again and again
they always do
you will too